drink the bones

back like a vertebrae.

...with a new layout, and everything.

Granted, it's exactly the same kind of layout I would have made back in the late 90s/early 00s... but that's back in fashion now, so I might as well let myself live.

Other than the virtual face lift, not much is new. I've begun to dabble in Javascript, which will surely end in anger and regret, but I haven't got shit else to do. Suffering is as good a choice as any.

I gotta work on my stories pretty soon, but I've been taking a break from writing in order to get my house and life in order. The kitchen is finally clean, and I'm bored to death and back with myself, so I guess it's time to break out the Freewrite, and give wordsmithing another go. Much like Javascript, it will only infuriate and embitter me, but I love to be pissed off, so.

I've also taken a tentative step back into baking. Just box mixes at this point, because I'm lazy and the pantry is full of them, but I've enjoyed the process nonetheless. I'm beginning to feel -- just a little bit -- like the old me, again. Not that she was anything great, but at least she enjoyed doing things, which is a lot more than current me can claim.


*     *     *

Meh.

SO. It's been 4 months. Things have changed. Improved? Not entirely. But we have reached something approaching "acceptable," and that will have to do for now.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have developed a borderline debilitating fear of car rides. I'm not really sure what's triggered this -- nothing has happened, nothing has changed, I've simply come to dread any amount of time spent in the car. On the rare occasions that I can't avoid a car ride, I spend the entire time clinging to the door handle, desperately trying to distract myself so I don't freak out completely, and snapping at anyone who dares speak to me during these increasingly tense and unbearable journeys.

My doctor renewed my Xanax script without incident, but I still hesitate to take them. There's a reason I stopped years ago. I had things under control, until one day, I didn't. I've tried other methods and remedies with limited success, but my anxiety is only spiraling further out of my control; it's starting to affect my day-to-day life, so I have to do something.

Anyway. I've been working on several different writing projects. I wanted to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, but it's just not going to happen (as usual). There's too much other stuff I have to do this month, and there's no reason to set myself up for failure.


*     *     *

Down a dark hallway, and it leads nowhere...

Took a long nap today. Not because I was tired, but because I just didn't want to get out of bed. RIP my sleep schedule, I guess.

Got some work done on Chapter 2 of Emperor of the Dark yesterday, and have more or less successfully created a visual novel mock-up, but now that I've got the mechanics out of the way, I'm not really in the mood to write, so.

There's a lot going on right now that I don't feel comfortable sharing publicly, in spite of a desperate urge to vent. I don't know what to do. What can I do? Cry? It hasn't helped so far. I'm not mentally or emotionally equipped for this. The fear and anxiety is ever present, an endless simmer. This was never how I envisioned things.

I will have to figure it out.


*     *     *

Please, don't set me free...

Kind of want to write some more Rule of Rose fan fics.

Kind of want to leave the fandom all together and move on with my life.

Bit of a conundrum.


*     *     *

between the angel's teeth

I wish you could hear what I hear
When I'm out there
The stars all seem to burn
And scream into the atmosphere


*     *     *

poor impulse control

This feels like kind of a waste of a perfectly good username, but what can you do?

So here we are, in 2023, and I'm trying to get my time travel on so I can go back to the lamest period of my life. Teenage me wasn't smart enough, or self-aware enough, to recognize how extraordinarily cringey she was, and I miss that vapid, dizzy freedom.

I miss Geocities, and the urls that were 7000 characters long because of the districts and addresses; I miss tripod, and angelfire, and gurlpages; I miss the unhinged euphoria of finally getting my own domain; I miss being utterly undignified and reckless with frames and iframes; I miss being creative, and unafraid, and having fun.

I miss the goofy, absurd little son-of-a-bitch that I was before grief, and depression, and anxiety took everything away from me.


*     *     *

this house wasn't made for strangers

I know it doesn't show, but I used to love blogging and webdesign. I was never all that good at it, but I did love it.


*     *     *

no one lives forever

let's have a party
there's a full moon in the sky
it's the hour of the wolf
and i don't want to die